My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
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Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Growing up we didn’t have “influencers.” We watched a monster who binged on cookies and a pig who dated a singing frog. It was a simpler time.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
For real 🤣
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there