My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
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I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic