My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
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CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
Worth remembering.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
🤣could you imagine
