My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
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Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Terribly Tuesday.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
me working on my assignments ^-^
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.