My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
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It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
i dont have time for this
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Interior designer.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows