Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast