Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

Plant care tips

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun