Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually