My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
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My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!