My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
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I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Happy Thanksgiving
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
accurate
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
wow
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes