My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
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*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.