My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
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A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”