Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

i spent way too long on this

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

Me trying to “trust the process”

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

Just started an episode of 30 Rock and said to my 4-month old baby “this brand of comedy is important to this family so please pay attention.”

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.