Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee