imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
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The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy