My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
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I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
me when I see my crush
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold