[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
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My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy