[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
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I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Yes, but it was never about money
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.