My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
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I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
tinder is all about the long game
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*