My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
You Might Also Like
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
yeah 😭
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.