My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
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Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.