Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..

oh you like nyc? name every rat

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

A wise man once said nothing.

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

good for her

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.