My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
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Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
TODAY
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.