My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
You Might Also Like
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *