My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
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If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
