My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
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Couldn’t recommend it enough.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.