My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
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[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I need to sieze this.
