Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

#CoronaOutbreak

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

unbelievably distressed by this ad

coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.

me: ask them who their CEO is

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS