My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
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People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.