My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
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Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
