My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
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I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
This January has 47 Mondays
Woke up with morning Yule Log
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.