Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

Let’s Go

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?