My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
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The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I think I’ll stand
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”