My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
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My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what