My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
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Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.