My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
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Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!