My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
You Might Also Like
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!