My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
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The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK