Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels