Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

Found the job I’m suited for

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

so i’m at the stock market right

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW