MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
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*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.