Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd

Dom: No! SAFEWORD

Me: *flinching* FWERD

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

Who are we?
CLIENTS!

What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!

When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.