Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

Me trying to “trust the process”

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑