Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.