my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
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A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Sharon I have some bad news
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys