Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”

– reverse psychology

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately