my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
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i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
i spent way too long on this
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.