Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

Matt Goss

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either