My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
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the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn