My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
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Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
the three branches of government
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.