My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
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*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Just organising my finances.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Good morning.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed