Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

Great acting.. 😂

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT