My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
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For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
sigh
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”