My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
You Might Also Like
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*