My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
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How did people charge their phones before electricity?
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading