My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
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[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
just witnessed a drug deal
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most