@TheIntComShow

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

You Might Also Like

@OkieGirl405

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

@_JOSHEDWARDS_

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

@pilau

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

@inmyimage007

[checking on my daughter at bedtime]

Me: Why are your legs up like that?

5: Because I don’t want the monster to eat my feet.

Me: That’s crazy, put them down. Besides monsters don’t eat feet, they like hands.

@rickolantern

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

@CornOnTheGoblin

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

@CyborgHanky

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

@hamishblake

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

@melibuff

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.