I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
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My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
[checking on my daughter at bedtime]
Me: Why are your legs up like that?
5: Because I don’t want the monster to eat my feet.
Me: That’s crazy, put them down. Besides monsters don’t eat feet, they like hands.
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.