My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

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I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit


My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.


boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?


[checking on my daughter at bedtime]

Me: Why are your legs up like that?

5: Because I don’t want the monster to eat my feet.

Me: That’s crazy, put them down. Besides monsters don’t eat feet, they like hands.


When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines


[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions


[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit


Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.


I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.