My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
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The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
They got Raph!
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”