My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
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PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again