My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
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If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.