My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
You Might Also Like
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅