My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
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Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
They got a point!
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.