Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.

He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.

THIS.

MOTHER.

FUCKER.

DOES.

NOT.

CARE.

HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.

Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

Bruh

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*

[hours later]

Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!