Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.