My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
You Might Also Like
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Sheep
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
*skinny dips into black hole
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.