My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
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(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.