Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.