My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
You Might Also Like
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
i- i did not expect this
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
We will use anything but the metric system
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.