Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

Someone: Im in town!

New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this