Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

Straight people are cancelled

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks

Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?

I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?