My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
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I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.