“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
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When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next