“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
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Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”