“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
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One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
