My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
My sister came over today and her hair is so gorgeous, I want to punch her in the face
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
#parenting
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.