Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

I’m calling the cops.

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

I think this cat is broken