Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”

Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”

Darth Vader: >:(

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…